google says seasonal depression — what season runs october to april if i may ask

i could not care less about seo. why does everyone lie to me? i wish i had access to mental health help that wasn’t complete bullshit and in your face forced kindness. fat girls with nose rings listening to you and chanting on about the psychology of sadness. keep that shit far away from me. i need something authentic — the love of a lover, the freedom of being in my 20s, or the chaos of failing AT EVERYTHING emotions related. now the word emotion is itself a bit of a trigger — im a pisces (cusp w aquarius) sun cancer moon and capricorn rising is that why im always sad and lonely and defeated by love. people call me high functioning and a type yeah but what about the hours of the day i spend crying in my room breaking down looking at my phone screen knowing i wont get that notification knowing a call from him wont wake me up why am i so broken.

this was over two years ago — sorry for that. What a rollercoaster … wow.

Well, I am now 22 and wise enough to know that this was a freak episode. I don’t even remember who this was about? Men aren’t worth the spectrum of emotions available to women under the umbrella of sadness. I think men are to chat with and laugh with and eat a meal with and cuddle with, and what truly fulfils women is becoming who their younger selves would stare mouth agape at with wonder and amazement.

I was talking to a guy about books today, and what ensued was food for thought that led me to return to my blog and write a word or two.

I’ve always been so unpolished and raw in my writing here, I embrace the cringe and just let myself be. It’s not that deep. I know that men, and the man that led to this essay, probably are not ideal to have this discussion with — so i’ll just have to intuitively blog about it.

I do love my women friends, and i know they’ll have a word or two to add to this. i’m attaching the screenshot of the conversation I had with the guy below for your reference. Also fun fact, both of us are Pisces — so if any astrology babes have any insights, please don’t be shy.

Upfdate — it is now the next to next day and I am watching/listening to timothee chalamet’s conversation with martin scorcese for GQ. lovely speakers and they’re both men i could listen to for hours, and i am the least likely to listen to an audiobook. just not an audiobook person, despite my hardest attempts.

they’re the sapiens of books, and my ex was probably rich dad poor dad. the pisces im speaking to right now is possibly a spongebob comic, or zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance — depending on which phase of our lives we’ve met at. i will find out soon enough.

I am so beyond caring about men. Where they resemble books is that there is no obligation. I can pick up a book whenever I like, read it for as long as it entices me and stay longer if there is a lesson to be learnt.

There are books that have sat on my shelves for years before I touched them, only to realise I love them deeply and they become a part of my core. I travel everywhere with my favorite books and reach for them in tough times and when i need guidance and to feel safe and heal my inner child. there are books i treat like textbooks, underlining and analysing and attempt to remember forever and replicate. you get the vibe. men really are like books. some books i care about deeply, some i would pick over others, some i will keep with me forever and buy copies of for my kids … and some were favorites and now forgotten.

Somewhere between editing this paragraph, I gave up on capitalising my I’s. Sorry for that.

I wonder why my young self was so dramatic, so sad, so heartbroken and shattered… over a man I cannot remember. Then boy. As hilarious as reading my overdramatic rant from years ago was, I also would like to validate her feelings — she was so honest and attuned to the emotional chaos that ensued from one rejection, so unapologetically sad. I am not like her anymore, I would probably look down upon myself for reacting so negatively and deeply to such a frivolous occurance as a man’s behaviour — and I do wonder why, and if I am wrong for it.

Food for thought for my next spontaenous blog, I suppose. Special mention to me saying “I could not care less about SEO” in that rant!!! You go girl. She is me, still.

Till then,

Love, Mahieka.