2 week no caffeine challenge — quitting coffee cold turkey. 1/2. Addiction? Withdrawal symptoms? Binge eating? My experience of the first 10 of 20 days of no coffee.

How do you know if you’re addicted to coffee or caffeine? How do you know when to quit? What are the symptoms of a caffeine addiction? What are the withdrawal symptoms you experience when cutting down on coffee cold turkey? I wanted to know the answers to these questions but was unsure of if I had even developed an addiction in the first place.

Let me help clear that out in the beginning itself — I did. I wouldn’t say I was addicted to coffee, exactly, rather it was more of an addiction to the routine I structured around making my cup(s) of black and how I perceived them. It was also linked to my exercise, morning and multiple daily mini regimens and thus in a way became a trigger for me to fall in line and be my best self.

But is someone dependent on drinking a liter of black coffee daily to be able to follow a simple routine really at their best self?

I decided the best person to ask was the first person to have happened to be texting me at the moment, possibly the only person I cared to really ask for an opinion— I asked him, how do people know when they are addicted to coffee? I have been increasing my intake and stopped measuring how much or how many times I make coffee, but I cannot seem to be observing any effects on my body or mind. What do you think? He promptly replied that if I was addicted I should quit cold turkey.

I took his suggestion and stopped coffee from the next day itself, after telling him and myself that I was not addicted. It was a challenge I had to take on to test myself. I also wanted to disprove the hypothesis that I was addicted, because I never craved coffee, I just kept drinking it because I liked the idea of it. The process. Of making it, drinking it, brushing my teeth after. It was weirdly relaxing and gave me a sense of belonging in my own day and life. My cousin sister experienced intense withdrawal symptoms her first few days of cutting out coffee, so I was on the look out for headaches, increased anxiety and insomnia, all of that.

Here are some facts that will probably weaken my case against the coffee addiction but they are, in fact, essential to the development of my story —

1. I have been unable to sleep on time, wake up, and then do my morning yoga routine and go about my day with energy for the past one month. It also happens to collide with my shift from my parents house to my grandparents’, who I am visiting for the summer.
2. I was severely sad late nights and would often cry for hours, and end up falling asleep exhausted by around 4 or 5 a.m.
3. I was not exercising well, had a few days where I would be hyper productive or energetic for a short period and then experience horrible and at times unmanageable lows.
4. This period also coincided with the termination of 9 months on accutane — an acne drug known for its possible connections to depression and infertility in women.

Now, obviously, this is not a generic blog meant for everyone, unless you fit the mold of my experiences exactly. However, this is interesting still. It gets better.

In the past week, while I have not felt any spurs of renewed energy, nor any painful withdrawal symptoms everyone seemed to believe I would, but I have been exceptionally stable of mood, except for last night when I broke down multiple times while watching the first couple — excruciatingly exceptional — episodes of Normal People. Dare I say, I have been happy, even. Rare.

I have also been very numb and passive. The day I decided to take on a two week challenge to defeat my suspected coffee addiction was the day I had to begin preparing for my finals at uni, which coincided with the 20 day no caffeine challenge so perfectly that it is almost eery.

I am now one exam down, and while I will confess that I have not been as focused and determined in the manner of my usual nerdy and academic success driven self, I have not been exceptionally anxious or restless either. I just seem to not care. Think that has less to do with a lack of coffee and more to do with my attitude towards uni in general.

I have also been on accutane again, just for 10 days, since I found a strip of medicines that I had missed. Oh well, shall we expect more pain in the coming days?

To top it off, my periods started yesterday, and I was in bed watching netflix and attempting to ignore the death of my thighs and pussy while eating cheesy nachos. Now, where are the withdrawal symptoms of coffee and where are the effects of my vagina bleeding, exam stress, forced isolation due to a raging epidemic outside, and a depression inducing anti acne drug?

Wow, I really am on a ride.

Writing this has been cathartic in that I feel a sense of realization of my own existence and reality, a perspective I was devoid of in my own head because I did not care to connect all these dots, as I am often quick to invalidate my own pain. Not that I am in any, I’m just a little moody.

So, I would say I have been telling people for far too long that accutane does not affect me, caffeine does not affect me, alcohol does not affect me, depression does not affect me, and so on and so forth.

However, maybe they do? I seem to be unable to accept that they do as if that would be a personal dishonor that my body functions like one and responds to drugs that function as drugs, but still.

If you ever ask me for something from my own experience, don’t.

result on upsplash for black coffee

Goodnight. I have a to do list to check off.

I did not even have the attention span (fuck to give) to re-read this and edit it before I headed into posting it. Oh well. Intuitive writing am I right?

Love, mahieka.